This whole blog is a jumbled up mess, I don’t know what to think or feel ahead of running a marathon again because it has been so long and used to be such a large part of my life…running a marathon is hard, tomorrow will be the hardest yet and whilst I’m excited, I’m scared and worried I can’t do this anymore. Running a marathon again for me is the bravest thing I’ll do in a long time.
Running again. I didn’t want to run again after last December at first, I wanted to move on, but injury and stupidity stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t really get back into running this year probably because I feared running a slower time that I did last year because of my injuries. That was just the varnish to the problem though.
The real reason I wasn’t so keen was that I hadn’t trained, I’d smoked and drank too much. I’d become complacent, believed my own hype. And the main reason I didn’t want to run was because I’d be found out, that whilst I had ran last year, it was a one off and now I was on some sort of running scrap heap. I had had a scan on my ankle to get it checked out, but never got the results back from the doctor. I knew that I was better, I still have a lump on my ankle, but that will always be there, I’ve got a build up of scar tissue which won’t disappear. Now I could have used that lump as an excuse not to run again and sit back and point to doing 13 the year before, and for a while that seemed like the thing to do…
But it wasn’t until I was sitting in my little kayak in the Yukon, that I had a good period of time to think about the running. And it boiled down to be being scared of putting in a bad time, and ultimately because of this being a coward. There I was in pretty much last place in the Yukon River Quest, it doesn’t matter what time or place you do it matters that you enjoy it and run because you have purpose. So after a bit of time recovering from the Yukon I decided to go for the New York Marathon, but I didn’t want to just turn up and run round at an average pace. I needed to train, I hadn’t ran properly for 7 months. Furthermore I had spent 5 months building up my back, arm and shoulder muscles for the Yukon, I needed to shed that muscle asap. I began with 5km, slowly building up to running 10km and I was exhausted, but I was training and getting the distance in, it was hard, it is pretty soul destroying struggling to breathe after a 10km run, when in the past I could finish that distance without breaking sweat. The first time I managed to run home with out any problems in my body was unbelievable and actually felt better than finishing many marathons…. Being at the top of my road and sprinting and screaming with happiness that I could run again, I didn’t realize how much I missed it. I just laid on the pavement shouting and screaming. I didn’t care that I looked stupid, I’d turned a corner. Since then I’ve carried on training and I’m slowly getting there, 10km, 15km, 20km, 25km and 30km. I haven’t dared go above 30km and this Sunday I’ll be trying to complete the Nottingham Marathon. I’ve told myself that tomorrow’s race is merely training for New York, but I know sitting here now that isn’t going to be the case, I can feel the competitiveness beginning to surge….spotting people who look like they might be running and weighing up in my mind whether I’ve got the skills to beat them… I have no idea, what time It’ll take me tomorrow, whether I can finish it or not. But I do know that I’ve trained hard for this marathon, much harder than any others that I’ve ever done because I have so much to prove to myself that I can complete the distance that my body is better and break the cowardice that I think I had suffered for many months. If I can sit here on the train back to London knowing I’ve trained my hardest, ran the best I could then I’ll be happy, the time is just an after thought, well that’s what I’m telling myself.
Running a marathon again for me is the bravest thing I’ll do in a long time and i can’t wait to qwash a few demons.