my blogging has been a bit rubbish recently and i appolgise for this. I”m not sure why this is but i’ve found the past month incredibly hard. I knew it would be tricky to settle back into normal life after returning from the Congo, but never envisaged anything like this. My body and mind feel completely all over the place. keep jumping from happiness to feeling quite empty. I’ve slowly tried to understand everything that has happened this year and in the DRC and i still don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know where i am.
Since returning from the congo i’ve found it so hard to talk about my experience. people ask what it was like and i don’t know what to say. what do i say? we went to the DRC to run a marathon and i went to try and learn more about the DRC. i’ve come home with only questions – questions about what is happening with the DRC and questions about myself. i don’t know what to do next. the feeling that the year is nearly up and the runs are coming to the end leave me with a feeling of where and what next. What can i do? in the next few lines i’ll try and put down about what happened in the DRC.
i’ve just tried to write it now but i have no where to start. i don’t know what i’ve done has actually made a difference or not? i want to know that the running has made people aware of the congo, but i’m now not sure on how to convert this awareness into change. i have no ideas at the moment. i’ve spent the last few hours just reading the old blog entries and they upset me, i looked through the photos and they upset me, i listened to the video and audio and that upset me. i haven’t done enough. only this week have i started to realise the impact of this year on me. i feel really guilty at the moment. essentially because i’ve come back from the DRC and done nothing, yeah i ran a marathon the other week, but what proactive things have i done. the congo seems so far away from me at the moment. it feels like i’ve travelled up a massive hill in terms of getting to the congo and now i’m tumbling down the otherside not knowing what’s instore, only that this year is coming to the end i have nothing to show for it. i’m pretty ambitious and i had this idea that by the end of the year i’d be able to present David cameron or Andrew Mitchell with a big list of figures, signatures, photos, video and other odds and ends and say: “look Dave. people care about the congo, what the hell are doing about it, this can’t continue. ACT” may be i’ll get my chance to ask Dave next week at Conservative conference. i suppose what i’m struggling with is that i have no really policy suggestions or proposals to give to the government, apart from do more and do it better. This is why i’m naive, i thought by running a bit that this would make them sit up and listen. i’m so pleased people are interested in the DRC and i am genuinely happy and proud that i’ve met so many amazing people this year who have given so much support and time to helping me take this campaign forward. A lot of people seem to think that this whole running thing is about chris jackson and feeds some sort of giant ego that i have – that really hurts. this has never been my aim and never would be, i just want people to be interested and aware of the congo and the continued loss of life. i’m sorry if people think that this is about me, but unfortunately because no one else is getting off their arse (in government etc) i decided to try and do something, and because of that it is going to focus on me a bit because i’m the guy running. This has only ever been about getting people aware of the pain and hurt that so many people have felt because of the conflict. trust me when you hear the stories of the people who have been affected and you think of those that they have lost, you can never approach this as being about you. i’ve kept pretty stum about people havingt these thoughts, but as i look back on the memories and tales from the last few months i find it quite hard. sorry if i’m rambling. you probably thinking i’;m speaking loads of bollocks because the most frequently used word/letter is ‘I’ or ‘Me’. but these are just my (there i go again) thoughts on what has been an incredibly tough year, the running has actually been the easiest part, the hardest part is dealing with all the horrible stories you have in your head, the feeling of being useless and guilty and not knowing what to do next to get more and more people in the congo. i just wish the conflict would stop. there’s a lot of people blogging and flagging up stories about the DRC, i suppose i could do that,. but i don’t want this whole blog to turn into a news wire – that has never been my intention, i think if you keep pumping out stories people get turned off and go numb. I just hope that the few stories that i’ve relayed back to you all have done enough for you to think about the congo and be aware. All i know is that by being aware then that is the first and hardest part to acheive, after that then it is up to us all to try and do your bit.
i’ve lost a lot personally this year, i just hope that for what i’ve lost some good has come out of it.
this year ends in December, marathons have a finish, the conflict in the DRC…i don’t know and that is what i can’t grasp.
have a nice saturday!
i’m off for a bath.